I had a dream that I was pregnant. I haven't had one of those in a while. In my dream, I went into labor and then woke up, and BAM my baby was there. It was another little girl and she was like the size of a 3 month old. I couldn't get over how BIG she was. And I felt disconnected. I couldn't remember giving birth to her. Like I had blacked out or had a surgery or something. Not remembering giving birth to her and then seeing how big she was made me feel like she couldn't possibly be mine. I didn't feel a connection to that baby and it made me both sad and scared.
I think those fears probably stem from my fears of having another child. I would love more kids eventually but at this point I am terrified of how I am going to handle it. It's already so hard with just one! I think about this all the time. The logistics of it all. Then there's the fact that both of our cars are so small that we have to fit the carseat in the middle of the backseat because there is no room behind the seats. We need a bigger car! I also think about how babies cry a lot and what if the baby wakes up Emily in the night? I also think about how at least when Emily was up all night I could sleep when she slept. How will I ever sleep when I have Emily to take care of and can't take naps?? These may seem like such trivial worries but it's just some things I can't help think about.
Of course there are also the fears of being pregnant and actually giving birth. Oh and the beginning stages of breastfeeding when it makes you want scream/curse because of how bad it hurts to nurse until your you-know-what's get used to it.
Am I scaring anyone else? Haha. I know it all works out in the end. The pregnancy is also a beautiful and fun time. Labor/birth is just one day. You can do anything one day. Breastfeeding is hard in the beginning but it gets easier and then it's a wonderful experience. I breastfed for over a year!! Somehow it's all worth it when you look at your tiny, precious, baby that you love more than you could ever have imagined.
You would think that since I've done this all before that I wouldn't be so scared. But...maybe it's BECAUSE I've experienced how hard it is that I'm dragging my feet. It's also because my husband works 12 hr shifts at night. Plus commuting.
I want to be fully ready to do it ALL- the good with the bad- before we have another baby.
But then I look back at old pictures of Emily or baby pictures of Michael (thanks a lot, Diana!!!) and I start to think "Maybe I could do it...."
P.S- Michael makes comments all the time about how we should have another. Pretty sure he would freak out if I actually said "Okay!"