Thursday, April 25, 2013

Let's Be Honest: Baby #2

I had a dream that I was pregnant. I haven't had one of those in a while. In my dream, I went into labor and then woke up, and BAM my baby was there. It was another little girl and she was like the size of a 3 month old. I couldn't get over how BIG she was. And I felt disconnected. I couldn't remember giving birth to her. Like I had blacked out or had a surgery or something. Not remembering giving birth to her and then seeing how big she was made me feel like she couldn't possibly be mine. I didn't feel a connection to that baby and it made me both sad and scared.

I think those fears probably stem from my fears of having another child. I would love more kids eventually but at this point I am terrified of how I am going to handle it. It's already so hard with just one! I think about this all the time. The logistics of it all. Then there's the fact that both of our cars are so small that we have to fit the carseat in the middle of the backseat because there is no room behind the seats. We need a bigger car! I also think about how babies cry a lot and what if the baby wakes up Emily in the night? I also think about how at least when Emily was up all night I could sleep when she slept. How will I ever sleep when I have Emily to take care of and can't take naps?? These may seem like such trivial worries but it's just some things I can't help think about.

Of course there are also the fears of being pregnant and actually giving birth. Oh and the beginning stages of breastfeeding when it makes you want scream/curse because of how bad it hurts to nurse until your you-know-what's get used to it.

Am I scaring anyone else? Haha. I know it all works out in the end. The pregnancy is also a beautiful and fun time. Labor/birth is just one day. You can do anything one day. Breastfeeding is hard in the beginning but it gets easier and then it's a wonderful experience. I breastfed for over a year!! Somehow it's all worth it when you look at your tiny, precious, baby that you love more than you could ever have imagined.

You would think that since I've done this all before that I wouldn't be so scared. But...maybe it's BECAUSE I've experienced how hard it is that I'm dragging my feet. It's also because my husband works 12 hr shifts at night. Plus commuting.

I want to be fully ready to do it ALL- the good with the bad- before we have another baby.

But then I look back at old pictures of Emily or baby pictures of Michael (thanks a lot, Diana!!!) and I start to think "Maybe I could do it...."

P.S- Michael makes comments all the time about how we should have another. Pretty sure he would freak out if I actually said "Okay!"


Rachael said...

I am totally with you! My guy is 2.5 and I really am starting to crave another baby badly. But.. we're not ready yet. We need to get more ducks in a row (a bigger home, we're renting right now) and a few other things. Plus.. we are enjoying just being parents to 1.

Did you read Katie's post yesterday over @ Loves of Life ? She addressed a lot of these concerns. Made me even more impatient for my next little one to come along.

Shelli said...

Love this post! These are all my thoughts. I'm planning to get off birth control in the summer and see what happens. So scared and excited at the same time. And I agree I feel like its scarier after you've had a baby because you have another child to care for. Before, it was only Chris and I to worry about it and now Kendall is our world. I think about her above anything and everything now.

Unknown said...

We're thinking about adding another one into the mix and I think about all of this all the time!! Glad I'm not the only one :)

Venassa said...

I'm much more scared about a second child than I was with my first. That's why we'll be waiting awhile before we plan for another baby. That way the girls will be a little older and less high maintenance, and I might not lose my mind.

Meagan said...

I think when you are ready you stop worrying about those things. I always tell people I feel like I did before I had Chase. I see my friends having 2nds and how hard it is but I'm in that oblivious baby fever place where I think it will all be ok. So I think you'll get there.

Emily said...

We are already planning #4, lol. Yes, there might be something wrong with my brain. : ) See, my problem is, we don't think. We just dive in and somehow it works out in the end, lol. I figure, we have been blessed so much, we should share it. But yeah. If anything should be a private, personal decision between you, your husband and the Lord, it's the decision to have or not have kids. I do have to say, in the end having 2 is SO much easier cause they have a buddy to play with. It lets you off the hook with entertaining them 24/7.

Unknown said...

YES. This is meeee. Basically. :)

I have all of those fears....and they're worse this time around, bc I know the real deal now. It was HARD and I feel like all of it will just be harder with baby #2.

Still. I somehow have baby fever now. Lol.

Oh motherhood.


applesandglue said...

I can imagine that #2 would make you nervous, but still I think it'd work out. That said, I just want to find someone so I can have #1 lol!

LWLH said...

It's interesting to see how each person reacts to the thought of having baby #2. Some people are like...oh what's one more....well others are freaked.

It's fine to have your feelings and I think you'll continue to be a great when and if you choose to have a second babes.

Meghan said...

I currently do not have any kids, but the thought of just one overwhelms me (in a good way, mostly)! I can imagine that it's tough to decide when it's right to add another. And OMG, those pictures of Emily = so precious! :)

Amber said...

You're such a good mama to E! Y'all should def have another :)

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